The motivational vacuum

I don't know why I'm down, but I am. All the work I've done, how ever little it has been. I feel like I just can't be bothered. I've had a busy week and people have been pissing me off.

I just couldn't be bothered to do all the little things that have helped me be a better person up to now.

As I write this I remember the things I have learnt. Trying to find the best version of yourself is like like a Diet Version Prometheus, except I can give up.

In my life so far, I have seen or heard of people I know, just give up on the dreams. That  is the most depressing thing I have ever heard. Wild animals have dreams, usually to eat and have sex. Let's focus on the hunt for food, we all know what happens to lions if they don't capture anything, they die slowly from malnutrition and starvation. Surely giving up on a dream no matter what leads to malnutrition  and starvation for your mind and then in turn, your body. 

What I find difficult is that someone I work with has goals, just like me. Yet, she struggles. A common theme in everything. Yet, when she's not doing well, she tries to drag you down, feel bad about yourself, lash out. Because she struggles, she feels everybody else should. I really want to tell her to fuck off, because she is like a tumour to everyone around her. She is a motivation vacuum.

If you knew this person outside of work, you would avoid them. If you do work with them, you will face big challenges. I don't discourage, I also try to give her support. She on the other hand has no clue, how to support others. She is self involved, she only talks about herself (more than me).

I can feel she will throw in the towel soon. I can't be like her, I can be like the people who fall into the paradigm of a mundane life. I'm getting back to editing my script.

I have no motivation right now, other than fear. Fear that I'll end up like them, sucking the colour of life from you.

First Draft Revisited

I forgot about writing in this blog for a short while. That was quite nice, as I don't have much of value to express in this blog, except battle with myself. It doesn't read well. Like a child doing minutes in a psychiatrists office.

However, with this time off, I hid the script away. Read some books, saw some films. Give myself time to worry that I was falling back on my ways, losing the muscles. 

Finally looking over the first draft. It's not too bad at the beginning. It's a nice relief, I just know that it will get worse as it goes on. So glad that I get a second or more chances to work on everything.

It can be made better and it shall be.

First Draft

Hello, welcome to what readers call a "depressing" blog. I just see it as cutting to the vein of things. I mean core, I mean. 

Onto the good news. First draft complete. Hanging around screenwriter friends helped me burst thigh the last part. Made me realise that you change according to who you are surrounded by. Thanks people, you inspired me. Not so fucking depressing now is it.

Apart from I am fed up of my job. Well now it's depressing again. Thanks Laura.

Thinking about the screenplay. I need a few things, to embellish on some details and cut a lot away and figure out the relationships for all the secondary characters. Also the opening is nothing special and a little drawn out. However with some work and a detailed beat sheet, the second draft should be heads and shoulders above the rest.

I honestly wish I lived closer to my screenwriting friends, because their presence helps me write so much more. No idea if that is the same for them, but it works for me.

I remember putting my friends through horrible first draft reads, quick tip, do that to your enemies. If you have them, I honestly don't have time for that.

There are some moments that I know are going to be hilarious, and some need some work. I also have to work on my fixation with writing in such a gory manner in fight scenes.

At least I have built a foundation.

Growing

I have lost a stone, written 100 pages, earnt a bit of money and had some good experiences this year. However if you read this blog (that is if you are me in the future who has lost his memory and is trying to piece together who I am by reading it. Yes, I am the only one who will read this!) then I always write about doing little bits of stuff and doing lots of nothing.

Now I am starting an experiment to see what happens. There is no hypothesis, except to have interesting experiences in a process of development. I will try to tailor it to make it easy enough for me not to wuss out on.

I just wrote an 800 word manifesto of the project. I think it starts tomorrow.

Now future me is thinking "So that explains why I did that thing which cost me my memory"

Side Characters

I don't know why my brain produces these, but for some reason it creates side characters who have just one scene and disappear. Perhaps it is freeing to do this. Build up a character in a matter of a few actions and lines of dialogue with no expectation or real bearing to the story.

Perhaps it is my way of saying in a script to the protagonists that the world doesn't fucking revolve around them, despite it actually revolving around them. Take them down a peg or two.

PTSD

It's been a week and I can't get over what I learnt and experienced. The problem is I now hate my job. For all the inane thigs that didn't bother me, now piss me off. I've seen what is possible and this job is dragging me down. 

It is clear to me, that it is not possible to obviously find a job in the industry I want, but also to find a way to grow. However, as things go on I have noticed I usually slow down for a bit, then get back on track. The problem is that I do not have a map to guide me in the areas I want to grow. 

The only logical next step is to come up with a map to become who I want to be, to figure shit out. Let it be said that the "perfect me" is not an assortment of magazine articles formed into a mesomorph on a conveyor belt in a really nice suit, oh no. It is in fact an abstract avatar as I do not know what the end product might be... In a really nice suit.

I've figured out the categories and now I have a syllabus to construct. I have signed up at the university of me, where I shall be studying for a bachelors, a masters and then a PhD. Then I can pretty much get  a job there as lecturer. Get tenure. All that kind of crap.

Thoughts on film school

If I could afford the money to do just a year at film school, I would throw myself into it. I would sacrifice a lot of today's expectations: three meals a day, Internet, TV all that just to learn and grow.

We wannabe screenwriters write way too much action for them actors. They'll be happier to find their own interpretation of punching someone that isn't:

"Earl throws a hookercut onto Steve, a hybrid of uppercut and hook. It lands directly onto his chin"

They can figure it out for themselves.

If you're getting used to filmmaking and don't have much time, don't sweat the small stuff. All those fancy angles and shots that you want, will probably not happen, just shoot the fucking thing quickly and move on. 

Everything should be planned out. Rehearse, prepare.

If you are using a camera that records digitally, then you don't need two takes of the same angle. I tint works, it works.

The editing phase really is when you get to control the story.

Sound is king, get the sound right and everything else can kind of suck.

Have fun.

Please don't tell actors how to do things and explain the "subtext".

When I asked the actors to show me how they would do the scene, they did it their own way. Better than I would direct them, so I said "okay, let's do that". Because I could not make them better, but worse and the weather was bound to take a turn. I am not an acting teacher, it would be like stories of script meetings where a person in pr or some other department begins to make inane suggestions.

Man, I wish I could go to film school.