Eve

You are on the eve of who you want to be. That is if you are willing.

The motivational vacuum

I don't know why I'm down, but I am. All the work I've done, how ever little it has been. I feel like I just can't be bothered. I've had a busy week and people have been pissing me off.

I just couldn't be bothered to do all the little things that have helped me be a better person up to now.

As I write this I remember the things I have learnt. Trying to find the best version of yourself is like like a Diet Version Prometheus, except I can give up.

In my life so far, I have seen or heard of people I know, just give up on the dreams. That  is the most depressing thing I have ever heard. Wild animals have dreams, usually to eat and have sex. Let's focus on the hunt for food, we all know what happens to lions if they don't capture anything, they die slowly from malnutrition and starvation. Surely giving up on a dream no matter what leads to malnutrition  and starvation for your mind and then in turn, your body. 

What I find difficult is that someone I work with has goals, just like me. Yet, she struggles. A common theme in everything. Yet, when she's not doing well, she tries to drag you down, feel bad about yourself, lash out. Because she struggles, she feels everybody else should. I really want to tell her to fuck off, because she is like a tumour to everyone around her. She is a motivation vacuum.

If you knew this person outside of work, you would avoid them. If you do work with them, you will face big challenges. I don't discourage, I also try to give her support. She on the other hand has no clue, how to support others. She is self involved, she only talks about herself (more than me).

I can feel she will throw in the towel soon. I can't be like her, I can be like the people who fall into the paradigm of a mundane life. I'm getting back to editing my script.

I have no motivation right now, other than fear. Fear that I'll end up like them, sucking the colour of life from you.

First Draft Revisited

I forgot about writing in this blog for a short while. That was quite nice, as I don't have much of value to express in this blog, except battle with myself. It doesn't read well. Like a child doing minutes in a psychiatrists office.

However, with this time off, I hid the script away. Read some books, saw some films. Give myself time to worry that I was falling back on my ways, losing the muscles. 

Finally looking over the first draft. It's not too bad at the beginning. It's a nice relief, I just know that it will get worse as it goes on. So glad that I get a second or more chances to work on everything.

It can be made better and it shall be.

First Draft

Hello, welcome to what readers call a "depressing" blog. I just see it as cutting to the vein of things. I mean core, I mean. 

Onto the good news. First draft complete. Hanging around screenwriter friends helped me burst thigh the last part. Made me realise that you change according to who you are surrounded by. Thanks people, you inspired me. Not so fucking depressing now is it.

Apart from I am fed up of my job. Well now it's depressing again. Thanks Laura.

Thinking about the screenplay. I need a few things, to embellish on some details and cut a lot away and figure out the relationships for all the secondary characters. Also the opening is nothing special and a little drawn out. However with some work and a detailed beat sheet, the second draft should be heads and shoulders above the rest.

I honestly wish I lived closer to my screenwriting friends, because their presence helps me write so much more. No idea if that is the same for them, but it works for me.

I remember putting my friends through horrible first draft reads, quick tip, do that to your enemies. If you have them, I honestly don't have time for that.

There are some moments that I know are going to be hilarious, and some need some work. I also have to work on my fixation with writing in such a gory manner in fight scenes.

At least I have built a foundation.

Growing

I have lost a stone, written 100 pages, earnt a bit of money and had some good experiences this year. However if you read this blog (that is if you are me in the future who has lost his memory and is trying to piece together who I am by reading it. Yes, I am the only one who will read this!) then I always write about doing little bits of stuff and doing lots of nothing.

Now I am starting an experiment to see what happens. There is no hypothesis, except to have interesting experiences in a process of development. I will try to tailor it to make it easy enough for me not to wuss out on.

I just wrote an 800 word manifesto of the project. I think it starts tomorrow.

Now future me is thinking "So that explains why I did that thing which cost me my memory"

Side Characters

I don't know why my brain produces these, but for some reason it creates side characters who have just one scene and disappear. Perhaps it is freeing to do this. Build up a character in a matter of a few actions and lines of dialogue with no expectation or real bearing to the story.

Perhaps it is my way of saying in a script to the protagonists that the world doesn't fucking revolve around them, despite it actually revolving around them. Take them down a peg or two.

PTSD

It's been a week and I can't get over what I learnt and experienced. The problem is I now hate my job. For all the inane thigs that didn't bother me, now piss me off. I've seen what is possible and this job is dragging me down. 

It is clear to me, that it is not possible to obviously find a job in the industry I want, but also to find a way to grow. However, as things go on I have noticed I usually slow down for a bit, then get back on track. The problem is that I do not have a map to guide me in the areas I want to grow. 

The only logical next step is to come up with a map to become who I want to be, to figure shit out. Let it be said that the "perfect me" is not an assortment of magazine articles formed into a mesomorph on a conveyor belt in a really nice suit, oh no. It is in fact an abstract avatar as I do not know what the end product might be... In a really nice suit.

I've figured out the categories and now I have a syllabus to construct. I have signed up at the university of me, where I shall be studying for a bachelors, a masters and then a PhD. Then I can pretty much get  a job there as lecturer. Get tenure. All that kind of crap.

Thoughts on film school

If I could afford the money to do just a year at film school, I would throw myself into it. I would sacrifice a lot of today's expectations: three meals a day, Internet, TV all that just to learn and grow.

We wannabe screenwriters write way too much action for them actors. They'll be happier to find their own interpretation of punching someone that isn't:

"Earl throws a hookercut onto Steve, a hybrid of uppercut and hook. It lands directly onto his chin"

They can figure it out for themselves.

If you're getting used to filmmaking and don't have much time, don't sweat the small stuff. All those fancy angles and shots that you want, will probably not happen, just shoot the fucking thing quickly and move on. 

Everything should be planned out. Rehearse, prepare.

If you are using a camera that records digitally, then you don't need two takes of the same angle. I tint works, it works.

The editing phase really is when you get to control the story.

Sound is king, get the sound right and everything else can kind of suck.

Have fun.

Please don't tell actors how to do things and explain the "subtext".

When I asked the actors to show me how they would do the scene, they did it their own way. Better than I would direct them, so I said "okay, let's do that". Because I could not make them better, but worse and the weather was bound to take a turn. I am not an acting teacher, it would be like stories of script meetings where a person in pr or some other department begins to make inane suggestions.

Man, I wish I could go to film school.

Failure #4

I had the chance to direct a scene yesterday. My direction worked in ways and failed in knowing what I wanted exactly, then missing some coverage shots of the area, due to rain.

It came together quite smoothly in the editing though.

Wow

I am exhausted from a weekend of film school. Almost 18 hours of non-stop work, and I loved every second of it.

It was actually the best weekend of my life, I learnt so much that gives me enough confidence to become a filmmaker. I am floored by what the actors could do with what seemed like a very simplistic script. 

I wish I had the money to go back to film school next week and start a one year course.

There is so much I could write about the experience. So much.

It would be pathetic to go back to my job and not do anything with this new training, wouldn't it?

Failure 3

The failure to act. To endure procrastination in the works or other people. To not progress, to grow stagnant.

That is my chief failure. That is everyone's chief failure.

I always know what I am going to do, but I never act upon it. A shame for the sperm and the egg that "won".

I

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

That is the entirety of the blog, no need to read anymore.

The Larry David Method

Pretty sick of writing scripts for today. Slowly getting to another point in my life where it is time to change... Again. Because changing is fun, and I'm a little bitch with change, so it proves interesting and provides material where I can write characters in funny situations and pretend I came up with it. This is known as The Larry David Method.

The Larry David Method is the writer's version of the Stanislavsky acting method. You go out, fuck up in abundance, feel stupid. Go home, laugh at yourself, and then try to sell someone fucking up in the same way as you did.

I think more people would read this (not that I care) if I put more pictures in it.

First Draft

Lars

(Breathlessly)

Thanks.

Lars looks around and notices a RECEPTIONIST in her forties and another fifty something man JULIAN. 

Receptionist  

Does it smell?

Lars

Yes.

Receptionist

God's green earth! Do you see what I mean? Some people need to sort out their diet.

Receptionist pulls a can of air freshener from beneath her desk and walks around it and out of the reception and closes the door.

We can see through a tiny pane of the door and hear the "SHUHHHH!" of the air freshner and it sprays out white gas.

Receptionist (CONT’D)

(Muffled)

It bloody stinks out here!

Receptionist opens the door and walks back to her desk.

Receptionist (CONT’D)

How are we supposed to make a good impression to clients if they walk into a cloud of that?! I swear Julian, this is going to cost so much in aerosols. You need to talk to security.

Julian

I did. The building is responsible for the toilets, not the companies. As such anyone on any floor can use any toilet on every floor. We can't stop them. Some people are so boring they play toilet bingo, trying to use the facilities on every floor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just working through my first draft as of Monday. I was so happy to be done with the treatment that came to 26 pages. The funny thing is I didn't include the end sequence, because that would've took 26 pages. 

As I continue, I don't need to look at my treatment as I know the piece intimately now, and just look back at it now and then. Spending all this time on it, writing on index cards and all other things, I must've written 90 pages on it, before I even started.

However, now I have started and it is good to be back. Writing screenplays feels good. It's not perfect, but it's the first draft. 

The beginning of the piece was the hardest, I just hit a wall straight away. Now I am almost knee deep in it and have hits my stride as the screenplay is going in the direction it is supposed to. A lot of foreshadowing at the moment. 

I 'm at page 34 at the moment. I have about another hour of writing left in me today. The thing I am struggling with is finding the main character's voice and the fact that he seems to be a victim or witness to things, rather than an instigator. I know events change this in the screenplay, but I get the feeling if someone read this, they would chuck it away quickly.

I should finish the draft somewhat soon. Then in two weeks, off to film school to learn the basics of filmmaking.

Mission: Success

Huzzah! The treatment has been completed. Onto the screenplay. Huzzah!

Trying to write: A hamster wheel

Back when I was writing the second draft of my dissertation at University, I had one big problem. My laptop would always overheat after a while and if I didn't keep saving, then I would lose a stack of lines, if not pages of information. Then I would usually walk off and let it cool down for a while.

I was in an abusive relationship with my laptop. The amount of porn that it succumbed to allowed a virus to get through my Kaspersky antivirus and after a while, despite plenty of ventilation: it would shut down on me. 

The only source doing something is writing, to be shut down literally is hard. When you have no choice, you get back to it and keep on writing. It was like rewriting a sentence five times in a row, but you're never disappointed with it, you have a really shit editor who just goes that's shit, but it works. I had no choice, it was either keep doing it, give up or write it down on paper. The thought never crossed my mind to write it down on paper.

Probably because I can type things out faster than write it and it messes with my flow. I am starting to notice that because I did this, it makes me write things out many, many times. Such as I am now. I will say I am close to finishing my treatment for the screenplay. 

What this does allow me, despite the cons, is I have a more intimate knowledge of the characters and the source material. A way of layering the piece, not matter how good. It allows me to see who were originally just extras, to extras with lines, to side characters.

Despite all this, I feel like a glutton in not achieving anything. I hold myself back by too much preparation as I have nothing to show for my actions.

Perhaps a bit more writing the treatment and tomorrow and I can officially start writing the script (for the third time). 

Well, at least I know how the story goes now.

Breaking the story

Argh! Forcing my Saturday into a day of prepping the final draft of my treatment for my screenplay. I know, I know, "Bitch, why are you procrastinating?"

Aha.

I am not procrastinating. I am breaking the story. Getting things down in order, prior to making an extremely detailed treatment in preparation for the screenplay itself. This may lo overdrawn, but I prefer to do it rather than doing nothing, and I feel I am making progress and adding in little details into the story even now.

The trouble is with all this planning is you forget that it has to be cinematic. It needs to be worthy of being projected onto a giant screen in a big room, with many seats that only a few people are sat in. 

I watched the hobbit film for the first time last night. Two things struck me: why is this not more fun and I truly am missing out on the effect a cinema would allow me.

Anyway, I feel like I'm nearing the mid to end point of the project. Thank fuck, I think the biggest difficulty will be making the dialogue sing. It's not something that plenty of rewrites cannot achieve. I am starting to feel I need a break from this project anyway. 

I have decided to make my first real cut. Something that feels tacked on. By the time the script is done, it'll probably be around 120 pages anyway.

Another day of writing tomorrow and By the end of it starting the treatment. If I could finish this by the end of the month, I would be so happy.

Pad and pen lives again

Honestly, I did not want to write a blog post. My writing keeps hitting road blocks because I do not know the whip of the moments. The solution is pad and pen. The most rudimentary tool for storytelling is the brain. I can only fully exploit this if I have ink and parchment, it provides a pathway for my mind to evolve an idea and seamlessly come up with new ideas to a story in a stream of consciousness way, without losing where I am going.

I have discovered new moments. That build up the story, to make it stronger and more unique. The process has given me things such as character motivation and weakness and strengths. I have learnt more about the universe of this story, by reflecting on death and the role it has. A minor detail that won't be examined in the story, but it has helped.

Slow progress is still progress and 25 minutes a day forces me to never allow failure. It will be three weeks since I started and it can be hard, but once you get started: it gets easier.

The lost art of not losing

I thought I wouldn't write about the whole blackmail thing I'm doing into writing more. I will make this one post and hopefully that will be it until next year.

The first week is almost up and I have two more days of writing. So far I have done fourteen pages. Not bad. I have really sucked some days and done well other days.

Yesterday I wrote a paragraph. I think Tuesday, I got four pages down.

I left it really late tonight. This second draft won't be anything special. I'm still working out the story and the structure.

When I write I either embellish the dialogue and spare the description or vice versa. It is liberating to know that it does not have to be perfect, it just has to have something that can become better or cut.

The third draft will get a treatment, and then I can make it tight and just refine it for a couple more drafts until I am happy with it and then throw it around to some mates and colleagues to get feedback.

I talked to my mate who is an aspiring proper writer (Novelist) last Sunday. I figured the next project after this will be a play, a nice little play with no real reason to exist. Then go off and write a web series with my mate Will. At least I will be have plenty of stuff to write for this year.

The pressure of losing money makes me want to just get the writing done. I should have done something like this since I left university. Allowing my skills to dull and just waste away what I could do.

There is a story about a Wing Chun practioner who was well known in Hong Kong. I will not be factually correct in this, but he stopped for a few years, maybe, five. One day he came back to train, thinking it would be easy. This was a man who put the time in, would sweat from training for hours, blood and cuts on his knuckles and leg cramps from the strict stance Yee Gee Kim Yeung Ma, that would build up power. He struggled, he forgot that training even for a few minutes a day will keep your sense sharp.

Thinking about an action is sometimes good enough for remembering your skills. Leave it for too long and you'll be working your arse off to get back to where you were, rather than working to get further.

 The one thing I love more about writing at the moment is that I wouldn't care about getting paid for it. I'd hate to lose money for not writing though, that is a great motivator.

I won't lie, I will fucking hate some days and love others. Six months time, I will be hammering in nails into the table with my forehead. It won't work, because the nails will be the wrong way round.

I have made a huge mistake

Much like Gob Bluth. I too have made a huge mistake.

I've just thrown $1300.00 on the line. Why to make myself write.

I have signed up to Stickk.com to building a habit to write for 25 minutes every day. For a year.

Every week, my referee will have the choice of saying whether I did my 25 minutes each day. Otherwise 25 minutes will go to an anti-charity of my choice. It's a bad one, something that I am on the opposite end of the spectrum in opinion.

I regret my actions which is good. Now I have to force myself to do it every day, rather than just do nothing like I have this past week.

This might be the only way to write consistently though.

Bold actions lead to interesting results. I have said how writing can be hard. Now I don't have a choice. I will not fail. I cannot fail.

If you're going to fuck up at something

If you're going to fuck up at something. You have tried your hardest. Keep fucking up, if you're half way there, you might as well finish it.

Failure #2

The 100 failures continues. I struggle with writing. It has been stated in the blog, so many times that people have stopped reading it, because that is all I have to say.

Struggling to get three pages down in roughly 30 minutes, is pretty bad by my standards. This is a massive journey for me. Much like Joe Campbell's monomyth that is used in films today, I am trying to follow the path and live that pattern.

This is not a fun thing to do. It shouldn't be fun all the time. Self doubt set in, as it usually does. Thinking what is wrong with the script and how to improve it for the next draft. The next draft?! I'm only 18 pages into the second draft. I need to push that out of my mind. Failure never leaves you, you just learn to accept it more I suppose.

My target for what the film should be is not fitting with the words I splutter onto the keyboard. Something good will come of it, I just have to accept that this draft will suck as well.

There is something in my head that is becoming stronger and it is just telling me to just stop and do something else.

It is believing that people think you are an idiot. I have to stop believing and rise above it. I will not become the person I want to be.

The second failure isn't my script. It is myself, I am a constant failure. That is fine. I don't hate myself. Unlike in stories. I will never succeed. I just have to be a less consistent failure.The only choice I have is to drag myself kicking and screaming. Because sitting around at home, will not improve me.

This is a repost.

The rules of the game have always been the same.

I have a number of books on writing and self help books. Things that I have acquired over the course of five years. They all tout the same rules, the song remains the same.

Then why is it that there are so many books with the same subject material and the same points? Could it be the fact that we need to be reminded? Do we need the information punched through our skull, numerous times so that we can "discover" it.

Self discovery and self help books are a part of a modern persons reading for a period of time. A chance to meditate on what is and what isn't possible. It is not that you learn to do these things and look for the patterns of success. It is however, about you getting sick of reading the same thing, over and over.

The rule for meeting women? Go outside. The rule for buying food? Go outside. The rule for looking a life like nobody else? Go outside. That should be the first rule of your life. You've heard this before, and  it is the pattern of human development. We all enjoy an underdog, whether it be Shaun of the dead or Rocky. The story is the same, just different window dressing. Seneca has similar rules to success to the modern day thinkers. 

Honestly, I am scared by failure on an almost daily basis. Scared, by trying and always regretful of never trying? That feels like who I am. I strive and struggle. Some days I can write, and others days I try.

I can put off a haircut for three months. I can put off chatting up a girl for what must be 7 months. I can put off anything, because in my shell, failure is just a word.

It is my own fault that I allow myself to dwell in the shell. I can for a few moments of intense focus achieve things, such as talking to the girl. I notice a huge response in people's reactions, a more positive one as if in their minds they are thinking "fuck, this guy is on the ball". Quite honestly that is the person I want to be, and it is possible to be that guy.

I know I am not the only person in is bind, and I am not the only one that is self aware of this situation. I have worked people who have more regret in their veins than they have blood.

We all know who we can be. It is the hardest thing in the world, to live up to our vision. The interesting thing as an aspiring writer of visual media is that I am inspired by my own experiences. To look back on what I have done in a farcical manner. To be able to laugh at myself. Yet, I am scared of trying. This coming from a guy who has read a lot of aspirational material for a few years.

Second draft

1 and a half hours of writing today and I got 12 pages out of the way. I was hoping to do three hours, but my concentration was waning, so I cut it short. No point in overdoing it.

I meant to start yesterday, but I just never got round to it. It is nice that I am starting the second draft almost immediately after MY first draft (the one which no one will ever see) because when I have done a second draft, I would take a few weeks or a month off it. However my interest in this project and the enjoyment of improving my process has made it a lot of fun.

A lot of dialogue, not a lot of action. That seems to be my safety at this point. I think on second drafts, I know where my strengths are and stick with them. Proper third and fourth drafts are unknown territory for me.

The third and fourth drafts will be more about cutting down on the dialogue and upping the action. Maybe the fifth about getting the scenes in the best shape and maybe a sixth to make alterations and smooth out what may seem disjointed.

Today, I fucking love writing.

Another 25 minutes

I don't know why this happens. In first drafts, it gets to the point where I get bored of the screenwriting and just synopsise what happens instead. It seems to work though and helps with my plotting. The dialogue will flow naturally when I understand the meaning and direction of the project. Despite not knowing all the characters names, personalities and styles of talking.

I'm pretty happy that I have figured out how it is going to work and I can write it for real now. That is after some more detailed plotting and learning some lingo and business stuff that people in my office do so it makes my screenplay stronger.

The only day I didn't write was yesterday. It doesn't bother me, being draconian in my efforts to better myself will not be rewarding in the long run. The muse doesn't come to me, but I will look for the muse in those 25 minutes. If I miss a day, no pressure.

zefrank

I wrote for 25 minutes today and 25 minutes yesterday. Today was an easy struggle, yesterday was a different struggle. A difficult one. Everyday a struggle.

I don't know why it is so difficult to write. I think about writing, but I find the act of doing it in equal parts challenging and depressing.

It is only because I am not a master of writing yarns as of yet. This 25 minute writing thing that I am doing seems to have an effect, but I am still not sticking with it everyday as I initially wanted to.

Another thing is I think this story is too close to my heart and I might need some distance to be able to create situations that I find more entertaining.

Finding ideas that you think are great and then struggling to make them as you intended leads a realisation of either you aren't cut out for this, or you're not cut out for this yet.

Writing a blog seems to be easier to do than a screenplay. I wish it was the other way around. I'm only on page 41 of 120 and the story is just dross. I have no one I can trust to talk to about it and I think that kills the desire and passion for me. I can't find my audience because I can't gauge responses when I talk about it. I don't want to talk about it to people at work, because it's about them and where they work. I would rather they didn't know otherwise I'll end up spouting what I believe and why this job sucks and I am wasting life being there.

6 rules to success

I just wrote a blog post of the same title about how hard it is to write at the moment. It was just going to be that and a video. Then I wrote about four pages of something that can help me become a better writer.

I'm keeping it to myself because I'll put it into my work.

It's scary but I will be changing.

Go on YouTube and loo at Arnie's six rules to success.

Recracking

I started today by thinking the opening to my screenplay was rubbish. No one wants to see a family talking at a pub. Especially with horrid dialogue.

My approach to it at the moment is to write it with Annie Hall in mind. It is however, nothing like Annie Hall.

Then I sat down. Page 29. Waiting to write. Having no idea what to write.

If you cannot think of anything, just get on with the day. Clean, cook, exercise, watch films, read books, listen to podcasts and read blogs and get some sunshine.

Then it came to me. A flash forward of a moment that I didn't intend to write, then it won't be a boring repeated moment. It would instead get into a readers head that the script is going in a distinct direction.

When flash forwards are shown in films, eventually we get to it and it doesn't surprise me. So it is a technique that'll work.

Not too sure if I am ready to write this screenplay. I'll just force it through, one of my lecturers had a great rule for writing that is common, but still worth remembering. Don't get it right, get it done.

Cheers for that Morris. Just got to break on through to the other side.

Every time I feel that the writing is easy and fun. I go away positive and when I come back to the keyboard the next day. The angst returns. I have to keep recracking. As someone who hasn't written a lot of anything, constant stop and starts, not knowing what I'm doing is part of getting away from failure. By embracing failure, it makes things more interesting.

Life is an experiment. You have the beakers, the liquids and a bunson burner. You can do whatever you want. Mix the liquids. Use the bunson burner. Or just throw it on the floor.

Failure #1

This failure 1 and a very small one at that. Skipping rope. Something I taught myself to do in my late teens, because, well... Boxers do it. It took time till it became second nature to get the timing right. I've come back to it again and again, adding different things each time.

So I went back to skipping for a 7 minutes. Running would antagonise my recovering knee, so this was the alternative. I decided to try that trick where you swing the rope to one side of you and then bring it back to jump over it. That worked, tried the other side. Kept trying that to get it down.

Then I decided double jumps, took a lot of attempts and counting up to 10, prior to doing it. Mixed those moves into a routine.

Rested.

Why the fuck don't I try triple jumps. The success rate wasn't high at first. After my time for training was up. I just wanted to keep going. I can do this. Even my lungs couldn't stop me from trying over and over. It wasn't just determination that pushed me, it was seeing what was possible. If people can squats three times their bodyweight, I can do triple jumps.

I achieved my goal. It was impossible to stop, I can do more. So I kept doing triple jumps on their own. After however many times, I decided to see if I could do it and then keep going. I got that.

In all my life I didn't imagine I could do this. Is it a necessary skill, no. I think it adds nothing more to my life apart from the chemical high that comes from doing things like this.

Failure #1 - Triple skips

Jotted down 5 pages for my screenplay. I have learnt one thing from this. Never show anyone your first draft. I could possibly write another 4 today, depending on how the rest of the day goes. I can't wait to figure out my second draft, it will be fucking amazing.

What did I learned from skipping was to approach it not with numbers or time, but technique. This led me to focus on getting it right no matter how many times I failed. This is working out.

Holding off the inevitable

Yes, I'm still working on that script. Rather I am organising the story. I don't think doing it is hard, just inherent laziness. I need to approach writing in the way I would approach exercise. By this I mean, write in reps. It is not about writing something fantastic, but make sure you get the form right and move onto the next one.

This job is getting a bit too much for me and I'd rather write for a living. So I'll write for reps and worm my way out of responsibility.

100 Failures

I am not planning on succeeding at anything at the moment. However I am planning on failing at a hundred things. This is simply inverting my thought process and making the goal more manageable.

The reason for this is that consecutively failing would make me a better person, than focusing on getting things 100% right.

99% perspiration, 1% inspiration.

It's a hard graft

I hoped to write 30 pages Saturday and another 30 Sunday. However, it is not that easy. I've used to do 20 a day. I've done 30 once. I rewrote 80 pages in one sitting.

Today I did 7 pages. I planned on doing more. It is a great start though. I think it is possible to write 7 pages a day, everyday. Until the end of the year, it should be possible.

I hate that what is in my head does not translate well on paper. Reps. Reps will make a difference. Build the muscle, then up the endurance.

I started taking MCT oil last week, and my mind is working like it did when I didn't have a job and was free to think about writing. Another case was in lectures, I would get inspired and write furiously. I fucking love the minor brain hacks that I have implemented. Although, I've been getting lazy diet wise. Making a few excuses.

Two and a half weeks and I'll have the first feature length screenplay in years. Then I'll write a short film. Then I'll rewrite the feature, then the short. Then alternate those two projects. Mixing 100 metre sprint and a 10,000 metre race. It works when I read a fiction and non-fiction book simultaneously, so there should be no reason why I am incapable of succeeding with writing.

Another day in the project called my life.

Blogs exist as public diaries. People want you to know about their mind, they just don't want to talk to you about it in real life. Some fucking psychologist chair, the blog is.

The muse

You know when those ideas come flowing out of you from no where and it all makes sense. It is fantastic.

Don't forget one thing, you will have to write it thousands of times. So many times, that it will feel artificial. It'll be fresh for others.

Think of it in the way that diamonds can now be artificially made. That is writing.

Struggle

It's weird to come back to the same scene over and over again, yet never writing it in script form.

At the moment, I'm using an iOS app that is essentially index cards on a cork board. So I am laying out all my scenes out, and stacking cards for different things.

Such as who are involved, what happens, what is the location, where is the conflict and details.

So far I'm on scene 6. It's a grind, but bird by bird, it is coming together. I'm allowing more space in a scenes. I am building up Act 1.

Of course, in the back of my head I am scared that I suck and this idea sucks, the script will suck.

I have to just push through. My god, this is such a difficult thing.

On a side note, I got to read three horror shorts from some friends. I'm really impressed and glad to see that they're still trying, it just reminds me that I am not alone in trying to get something done.

I cannot wait to see what they make as one of them will become a short.

Back to the index cards.

Enter the Dragon

"What's your style?"
"You can call it the art of fighting, without fighting"

Just change the word fighting with screenwriting and that is where I am at the moment. Planning the shit out of this script, even the littlest things. I am finding it evolve without writing any dialogue.

Structure is really helping me about how to present the story. Without rewriting draft after draft, this make the whole process easier. Despite being the stuck in the same part of the process from the beginning, it is working for me.

The story is almost completely laid out. The characters are almost defined. I'm not sure if using the monomyth will work for me in the long run. The idea is to find my own version of structure.

Never rush a story, because you'll have a run of the mill piece of shit, a ghost of the influences.

Look for the things that separates your idea from others and maximise that, minimise the clichés, influences and homage. I don't want to see a film that references other films for two hours.

Show me something new.

On

My mind is on. It is weird how something in your psyche clicks. You tell yourself that your time is now, and just work away to get something done. I have set myself the task of getting a screenplay written by next sunday. So far, I have done two treatments, each going into more detail than the last.

This is a new process for me. I will be doing a third and final treatment, this will probably mean I will miss my deadline. That is fine, when I write with final draft, I can do 20 pages a day. I just type the shit out of it and then notice it is terrible.

What do we say to the god of mediocrity? Not today.

I've learnt lessons from not writing as much as I have from writing. In my first few attempts at writing, I copied.

Now I feel I am willing to such for my own voice. This is something that other writers need to do. Make peace with the fact that you will never write like your idols.

I have camera angles, lighting all in my head. Because my first script lack detail and a lot of talk. I think the sparse detail is a weakness, as is my disregard for some sort of emotional character arc for Prog.

The one thing that hurts me as a writer is this: not everything will be made. I'll have to make peace with that, much like I have with not trying or failing.

Anyway, I am going to write an amazing script.

I've done the research, I've pretty much figure out the entire story and the different plotlines. Too sound cocky, I think it has something to say about day to day life and some fucking hilarious moments.

I've probably said this before, but I don't talk about projects that haven't been written yet. This one is ready to burst out of me now. It's been a long time coming, and I have many more writing projects to get through.

I know the chief weakness of my script, but it is the easiest part to change. I'll keep working on that in between other projects until it works.

I intend it to be the second film, I ever make.

The first, well, that'll be the third screenplay I write this year. Then I have two collaborations on screenplays planned for the following year.

Happiness

Slowly but surely I'm evolving as a human being.

This weekend has been primarily been focused on cooking. I've made pesto, cayenne pepper brussel sprouts, roast chicken, soup, moroccan curry sauce, ketchup, tomato sauce with olives, pancakes. It's been fun. The little things remind you that things can be easy.

I've been reminded that comics are fun and enjoyable for me. Just not the Marvel and DC stuff. But the comics I grew up reading, where the art is actually cartoony. When I write comics, I will, I want to work with cartoonists on it, because they just awaken something within me. That's why I ordered a couple of comics off amazon that I used to read at my junior schools library. Every time as a class, I would make rush to the comics, sit down and read them. Some times it was TinTin, most of the time it was something else.

Words don't always capture me, but the image will.

I ran five miles, it wasn't fun, but I did it.

I am the most cynical guy I know. I'm kind of in a happy state, right now.

To finish this post off I am using a comic strip from Zenpencils. It was hard to choose. If you want something more poignant, go on the artists website, he is never short of that.

Tony Hancocks Head

I guess I'm a one track mind person. All this time, I've been walking to work, I never noticed Tony Hancocks massive head staring at me.

Work is getting a little more stressful, I am of the opinion, actually this is a rule.

Rule #1: No matter how much you are upset about something or someone. Never take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

This has been happening to me too often. Why I am being used as the target is that I am an open guy, I like to talk. Obviously the girl at work who seemed to be friendly at the start, seems to have grown tired of me, and likes to be a bit of a cunt.

I understand that we are from different cultures, essentially different worlds even though we live within a large radius around Birmingham. I can't help but feel that she is scuppered by how I am and how I act, and how we can't accept each others norms.

I can't help it, she can't help it.

One thing is for sure, when I put a team meeting together when our team leader is away. I don't expect to be told repeatedly that I interrupted her from doing work. Well, you know what fuck you. I help you with your job. I respect you. I expect respect in turn.

I know how I come across to people, but treat me as a child if you will. That is a big mistake.

Disregard my role and don't help me out. That just pisses me off.

If she pulls this shit again, I will talk to her face to face. Obviously I haven't got the guts at the moment. I'm blogging about it and using tact by passing on this to my colleague who would have passed it over to her.

She likes to winge about her job to me. I can't complain about my job, because she doesn't give a shit. I have had enough.

I know I'll have no one on my side, because I don't moan. Grit your teeth and do your fucking job.

This is a dickish thought. But thank god I have more talent than her. She has the worst designs an artist has ever made. I would not be doing a crime if I discouraged her from persuing it.


 I know I am feeling sociopathic, I know this doesn't reflect well on me. But Nobody gives a shit about me at work, so I am letting it all out here.

I am not going to be there forever. I honestly hope she is.

Stop getting motivated

Success and failure is dependant on whether you take action. If you don't take action then you will succeed at that, but fail at everything else.

I'm tired of being a loser.

There is only so long you can read things and watch things about getting motivated before you get something done.

Stop wasting your fucking life like everyone else, you have a head start by doing what you want, because plenty of other people don't want this as much as you do.

I'm 12 stone 8 from 13 stone 10 from around 40ish days ago. It wasn't even hard and I'm not trying to lose weight, I just follow some simple principles and it works.

Small steps.

Eyes

I think I've lost a few pounds since going off bread, 6 at most.

But here is the weird thing. It is dress down friday at work, so I put on my token Hollister t-shirt and through out the day go about my business.

Never have I been objectified (eye raped), it's pretty shocking. Not complaining, but nothing I've ever been through before.

There are no words for how I feel about this.

Coconut pancakes

Coconut flour, coconut oil, coconut milk, vanilla extract, water and honey with three eggs.

Could've watered the first one down for more pancakes. Two is enough. I get to eat tomorrow morning, not many people in this world can say that.

A great first attempt and different to my mashed banana and 2 egg pancake.

So far coconut flour and cacoa powder have been my saving grace over the past weekend.

Goodbye/.

I got tricked into eating wheat today. I guess I go back to square one in my developing diet. Oh well, I've been off bread and milk for something like fourteen days.

I'm having eggs for breakfast the majority. ALso nobody gives a shit about this, but eh. I don't have much to write about. I don't do drama except on the page.

I've started downloading loads of loads of Soundtracks recently as well as Skyworld from TSFH which I didn't know was released last year. So I have something to listen to when I'm writing that doesn't include words. I'm having a little spending spree in this regard.

I will curb my money losing spree soon.

I am looking forward to doing more writing to this playlist that I will be growing.

It's time to fall in love with writing again. Today is another day where I told myself (whilst at work) this is not where I deserve to be. Deserve is a word of entitlement, clearly. I am entitled to it, but only if I work for it. There is one thing to dream of success, and I do. Every day. I want to work with actors who spout my lines from their lips and talk with them about character motivations, how they could say a line faster, slower, roll that word with their tongue, don't shout, whisper it. Rehearse, find a way to tailor characters to actors and vice versa.

Their is a hole in quality of writing in film. It is one thing to say that, but it is also another thing to break that mould. Failure is easy, at every step of your life. The best I can hope to do is learn from it, get a funny story from it and move on.

I have moaned where is my tribe, I have asked do I have nothing left to give. My original working title for my next screenplay was Pure Escapism, I knew it was not something that would describe the story. Yet, it is how I feel the project is for me. An escape from your work life, to reject the rules of the grown up world of wage slaves, to be free from the offices and be at peace in meadows.

It is hard to be honest in my current workplace, I don't hate the people, I honestly like them. It hurts to know that this is the place where their stories may end. I can not save these people, I don't think they want to be saved. They may be happy, but I am imprisoned in this shell of a thing that we consider to be a part of our humanity.

If life is for living, then why is there such a thing as life insurance?

Where is my tribe? When is my time? Why do people accept their fates too easily?

I hate being told what to do, how is it I am in that position now. I will not survive in a place like this. I'm starting a jail break, are you in?

The revamped bread blog

I never expected the blog to take a turn in the direction of Bread. I dislike it now, so I must hate ducks, pigeons, pretty much all birds.

Quite honestly I've done fine without it up to now.

Oh well, seeing friends this weekend. That'll help me feel better.

Today, I feel terrible. I've been off bread for 6 days and I think I am acquiring carb flu as I haven't had much of any gluten or complex carbohydrates in that time period apart from a fork of spaghetti earlier.

I feel somewhere between headache and sleepy. Fucking carb flu.


On the bright side, I'm listening to The Von Bondies in yonks. Great band.

Breaking Bread

Day number three and I'm doing pretty well without bread. Finally organised a packed lunch for work in a while: Sweet potato, chicken slices, olives and tomatoes. The first time at my current work place where I haven't had an energy slump mid day. I assume that was down to buying the £3 meal deal and then eating some chocolate or having something left from a meeting buffet.

Quite pleased with myself about that. I was bored through most of the day though, work is too quiet.

I have started writing up my notes and piecing the puzzle together for my next writing project. Exciting stuff. I look forward to my second draft, because the first will be everything. Refining writing is more pleasant to me.

Just finished the lastest episode of Breaking Bad. Whilst not my favourite show of all time or even in my top 10, I still like it. Fuck me they had a great cliff hanger. The show is artfully done, something tv writers should aspire to.

Fuck you bread, you can go suck a dick

I have read some really interesting books on self improvement in the past year. Showing me options and making observations that I would not have thought of before.

The two significant books were focused on the human diet. I do not care for people who "go on a diet", this is due to the fact that they treat this approach to a temporary span of your life rather and obviously and boringly go back to their old ways.

I hear people talking about so much shit around this or how they're going to exercise. I'd like to lecture them, but I feel reading a few books does not give me the right to tell people how to live their life. I'd rather just watch from a far and mumble "you fucking idiot".

The two books I mentioned were The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf and The Primal Blueprint. To explain what these two books argue, I will take a video from the director of Fathead (good free documentary on youtube)

I'm slowly making changes in my diet that have become permanent. I use coconut oil for cooking rather than any other oil (I'd use animal fat but the Patriach of the house is a vegetarian and he moans enough about fish smelling). I started having eggs over the past two years, so I have talked the house into doubling the stock of eggs.

So fuck you bread, you can go suck a dick. I have had so many pieces of bread in my two and a bit decades that I could probably make a photo of a field of slices of bread if I was rich. Signifying that I ate all that. Then I would have to fight the birds off. I'd also need to be rich. So this plan is flawed.

Cutting out bread is the next step of my slow changing diet with sugar most probably the next in a few weeks or month.

So why will I not lecture people on how to live their life? Pretty easy. I've gotten lazy. I have less energy, I don't exercise as much and the lack of sunlight this time of year causes me to suck at life.

Thankfully my saving grace at the moment is easy, spacious kettlebells. Grab my gymboss (interval timer) and do something like 10 minutes worth of snatches with 15 seconds right hand, 15 seconds rest, 15 seconds left hand. Thank god for myomytv.com for learning techniques.

I have been in the best shape of my life when I've had a decent diet that including fish and chips or at one point I was zero sugar apart from a pack of oreos that would disappear in 5 minutes and very little carbs.

Since I've read books on the paleo diet, I've grown to love bacon. Eggs and bacon are great for breakfast. Plus it seems that the diet is easy, it may not in the transitionary period. I don't see it as punishment but giving me more energy and concentration.

I work in a place where buffets are present three times a week and it is hard to not eat something just because it is there. The change in my diet has been something I've been putting off for 7 months and it is entirely my fault and I've been eating rubbish as a last hurrah and never starting.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how the hell did I get such a nice link on Martin's page? It doesn't even live up to that picture.

Something I meant to mention in my last post. When I had the interview for my job last week.

I had no idea what I was being interviewed for. They changed the job requirements and refused to inform me what the job was.

So I thought fuck it, I'll blag it. First time I've ever blagged an interview. First time I've been offered a job.

I'm glad nobody called me on it.

However, it is pretty fucking funny.


The one time I tried, I had the worst interview ever. Obviously didn't get the job.

The one time I don't care, I get a job.


It's pretty office space.

Shit has been going down

I've been offered a full time job at my current workplace with money. Cool.

When I was told, my intial reaction was that I felt sick to my stomach in a literal way.

They wanted me to say that I am willing to commit an undisclosed portion of time, because there have been a few changes in staff recently. They can have me until 2015 at most.

Don't these people know I have movies to make.

Eurico!

I've been trying to come up with some decent titles for the screenplay I'll be working on for the next few months.

Two weeks I have had nothing apart from my working title which isn't applicable because, mind your own business. Then when I woke up this morning I had two options, not bad. They don't exactly work, but they will do for now.

That is a step in the right direction. All I need now is Scrivener for my ipad. I am not paying £35 for final draft iOS.

I got chastised by the staff at a sandwich shop for not spending 15p more and taking advantage of a meal deal. It wasn't my fault that they decided to put in the meal deal price on the till when I only wanted a sandwich. Still kind of funny how one little thing can piss someone off.

Like that time I was handed a leaflet and as I shut my door I started to loudly crunch it in my hand.

But the sandwich thing wasn't my fault. They can go fuck themselves, I'll never go back again. I should've said that to them, but I found the funny side of it.

So what do I want to do next?

Eat better and grow a badass beard. Thanks for tuning in.