It is impossible for me to write a serious covering letter

I have a problem, and this problem may be keeping me from getting a job.

I have spent the last hour working on a covering letter for one thing, yes this is how considerate I am. It is a snarky, self absorbed, meta cover letter. I will in defence say that most websites with covering letter advice say to be "unique" I don't think they mean this much.

Honestly, it is not be intent to write these kind of covering letters but I do. Perhaps, it is due to the boredom of doing something conventional, why not be the Charlie Kaufman of covering letters? Oh wait, that's right, I won't get a job!

This is a huge problem, because I have no idea if it is the right thing to do and I cannot write a normal covering letter. It is impossible, it is inexplainable as to why it is so hard.

In creative writing, the blank page is not as scary as writing a covering letter. Why? Because in CW I can do anything. For a covering letter, I have to convince people that they have to hire me, argh FUCK YOU PAPER AUDITION!

I'm currently thinking of metaphorical things to stab in my metaphorical eyes, this is how tough it is. In my minds eye I am rolling on the carpet from side to side with a slow building scream.

I understand the whole process of hiring, and I may be the least hirable person with a Bachelors with Honours. Except those poor stand-up BA students, but then they may be funny in the workplace.

There is no form of proof that hiring me will pay off. Non.

It is like I'm throwing myself out there whilst thinking will they like me, whilst also not giving a fuck. I can pretend to be a nice person and do a good job, that is easy, but convincing people is tough. These personalised covering letters which I was told to do and is common practice seem too personal.

This whole unique aspect of applying for shit jobs also means one thing, you're being hired for some shitty mundane job. People will know I have plans past working at labotomy retail store #439.

This is not as bad as writing application forms, but still, there is an aspect that trying too hard will mean I will fuck it up entirely. I don't know these people, I don't know their sense of humour. I am probably getting blacklisted by every company I send a letter/email to.